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[26 Jun 2004|11:29am] |
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Choking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside
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[22 Jun 2004|11:20pm] |
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music |
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blackalicious - make you feel that way |
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the more i fucking think about how it used to be
the harsher the realization is
that it will never be like that again
this fucking sucks
i hate life
i can't stand it
this extreme fucking depression
is taking it's hold on me
i can't even seem to fight it anymore
i don't know why
but everything sucks
i hate being here
i hate who i am
i hate what i'll never be
i hate what i'll never have
i hate the people against me
i hate life
fuck
it used to just be cured
by like a bright eyes song or something
now it's fucking anger
and i hate it
i hate being angry
i never thought i'd go through this shit
but it seems like i have to
i want it to all go back
to those days
with my real friends
just hanging out
not even really doing anything
just being together
max
joey
evan
lisa
those were the fucking days
nothing sucked back then
it was perfect
i didn't give a fuck about
money
looks
clothes
weed
alcohol
social status
nothing
and now it'll never be back
and i'm fucking pissed
now i have to find reasons to get out of bed
i barely see natalie
and when we're together
i don't even know
it's killing me
but whatever
i'm going back to sleep
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| final fantasy |
[21 Jun 2004|01:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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my cloud to her aeris |
] |
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music |
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london symphony orchestra - final fantasy VII theme |
] |
i took a blue pill
to keep me up
cuz i want to go do something at like midnight
i haven't updated for a while
shit seems to be going good
on the outside
i don't really have any reason to complain
it's just
i'm lacking something
it feels like lately
something was taken from me
something i had inside me
was just stolen
it feels like i've lost that certain "zest" for life
it's not that i hate my life
it's just that nothing feels real anymore
i don't enjoy things like i used to
it really sucks
this feeling
of emptiness
i used to be happy
very happy
now just everything pisses me off
or makes me feel bad
so many people just sicken me
and then to top it off
i sicken me
i hate what i have become
i want to go back
way back
to when i could stop all this nonsense from happening
back to those days
when me and max would just go to south shore
every day
for no reason
other than to act dumb
and criticize the world
before (real) high school
back when i just didn't care about anything
back before i cared about girls
about when i'm getting high again
about how i look
about what people think of me
it was so perfect back then
then right when i got to encinal
everything just started sucking
i would have ups and downs
between then and now
the ups used to outweigh the downs
now it's vice versa
now it all just seems to suck
i used to be very spontaneous
i would do things without thinking
i thought i could go through life like that
but that was a big mistake
the negative side of "spontaneous"
is "reckless"
and that's what screwed me up
now i seem to think out everything in advance
i used to be the weird wacky kid
but i guess that died
when i started wearing ecko
then i tried to be myself more
and it all got torn apart
now i don't know who i am
i just try to stay quiet
and go about my business
but enough rambling about my problems
natalie let me barrow her ps1
i've been playing final fantasy 7 alot
it takes me back
i won't go into a ramble
but let's just say
that this game had a strange but big impact on my life
every little piece of it
reminds me of the first time i went through it all
i wish i could play it
for the first time again
rachel just called me
that cheered me up a bit
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[15 Jun 2004|12:13am] |
i feel like shit
my whole life
my whole being
is terrible
i would hate my life
but the only thing i hate in it
is myself
i hate myself
so much
for things i've done
things i can't apologize for
because apologies are bullshit
for these type of things
i have things to live for
but it doesn't seem worth it
i hate myself
i'm a disaster
i leave a wake of destruction
in every life that i touch
i'm a terrible person
i never wanted to be an asshole
it just turned out that way
i want to say sorry
but the people who i'd say it to
wouldn't give a fuck
it's not sincere
from a douche like me
maybe some people care about me
but i don't care about that
i want redemption from those i've hurt
but there is no way to achieve it
it's all dead
i'm dead inside
i'm haunted by their voices
echoing in my head
i never meant to hurt anyone
i never wanted to do any of that
maybe it's because i'm reckless
maybe that's an excuse
maybe they'll read this
maybe they wont
maybe they'll look at this
and say
"wow
he didn't mean to do that
maybe he is a good person
that person i thought he was
that amazing guy
so different from all the rest
maybe i shouldn't hate him"
or perhaps the more probable
"wow
what an asshole
now he wants people to feel bad for him
it's all just so people will like him
he's not fooling me
like he already did
i see right through him
and i hope everyone else does"
either way
i'm gonna say all this
and certain people will feel bad for me
and others are gonna laugh at me
some will hate me even more
but maybe someone will truly understand
someone who really has been in my shoes
in the situation
where you look around
and realize that people hate you
and that you can't redeem yourself
and you can't make it all better
and it's all your fault
and nothing will ever be the same
and that you're not allowed to be depressed
because you are the one who did something wrong
and that one person
may one day forgive you
for something that they should never forgive you
for hurting them
for fucking them over
for being so reckless
that you just happened to forget
that they have feelings
that they are human beings
while you forget these thoughts
and go back
to justifying yourself
with reasonable excuses
with good arguments
so that you don't feel so bad
about all the hurt you've caused
and that you can go on
thinking you're right
and it will all be ok
for you
for me
cuz i feel so bad
that i don't even say who it is
that i feel bad about hurting
but she knows
she might check this
see what the old asshole is up to
and you know how it goes
maybe one day she'll see
that the world is not out
to screw her
maybe she can see
that she can trust some people
maybe a simple writing
can undo all the damage i've done
maybe
but for what it's worth
i'll say it
because i never once said it before
because i didn't know how it would be taken
so here it goes
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm fucking sorry
from the bottom
of my cold dead heart
i'm sorry
for what i did
for what you went through
for what i put you through
for what i did to you
for who i am
for what i am
for coming into your life
for going out of your life
for everything
for things i didn't even know i did
for things i didn't want to happen
for things i didn't mean to happen
for thing beyond my control
for things i have no idea why i did
for it all
so there
my public apology
to you
from me
do what you want with it
make me feel stupid
or just hate me more
or maybe through some anomaly
you accept it
which would be even weirder
just know
that it's sincere this time
that it came from that guy
who you thought you know
the real guy
that you knew
i hope you see it that way
because that's it
if that doesn;t do it
nothing will
so i'm done
maybe we'll cross again some day
maybe we'll never speak again
it's all good
just for our piece of mind
i said it
thanks for reading
maybe
goodnight to you
good luck in life
and i hope you never meet
another person like me
as long as you live
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[10 Jun 2004|09:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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worthless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bright eyes - false advertising |
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yesterday-
thashed
my hand got cut
i had to bleed onto a shirt
home
ahs
natalie
megan
candy
home
sleep
today-
glenns
ice cream
steak sauce
home
thrashed
hella fun
bay farm
fake ass thugs
lavals
yeah
hadi let me borrow the nine inch nails album "fragile"
i listened to it all yesterday
it's awesome
sounds like a bad acid trip
trent reznor is a genius
down
very down
hating life
hating people
hating current situation
but
summer will be awesome
i wont have to care about all this bullshit
natalie
she makes me feel good
like its always sunny with her
she brightens my life
i look like a "demonic jeorge jetson"; y/n?
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| patiently waiting |
[08 Jun 2004|10:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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it's not worth it |
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music |
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pedro the lion - amazing love |
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wow long day
i stayed home from school and freed up like 20 gigs on my computer
i am so juiced for the party
it's gonna be awesome
i'm just not gonna do my portfolio for science or history
it's not worth any effort
i don't even have enough work to put in it
i want new borders
if anyone knows any cool border overrides tell me
i'm looking for anything that looks eclectic
i also want to know how to center my entry text
but yeah
things are all going pretty good
i can't really complain
it gets hard late at night
like there's no point to life
why am i here?
why is my life like this?
why can't i be all the things i criticize?
but it just feels better knowing summer is soon
i never want it to end
i have no clue what i'm wearing tommorow
i want psp
somebody buy it for me
so in conclusion
the good times are right over the hill
-[arlin]
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| introduction |
[08 Jun 2004|02:31pm] |
this is new
i made it for reasons
it's different than the old
i was tired of jarlin
i needed a change
i'm tired of grammar
if you know me
you probably understand my username
if you don't know me
then you should
i live on an island
i have a beautiful girlfriend
her name is natalie
i have wavy hair
i have brown eyes
i like no specific genre of music
i only like what sounds good
i don't like dark things
but i love the night
if my cell phone had a name
it would be spelled ZPOBTPB
i am not rich
i am not perfect
i've made mistakes
but i'm leaving them in my past
this is my new self
just in time for summer
i love my friends
they have stood by me through tough times
i love my family
i love my cats
i love natalie
i have made resolutions
for the summer
to express myself
and be who i want
the changes i make will all be good
the choices will be thought through
i've never asked for a fresh beginning
but now i am
some love me
some hate me
i don't care for the latter
i know what i want
and i'm taking it
i'll be a better person
for myself
for others
i'm sorry about what i've done
i'm optimistic about what i'll do
this is the summer
in which my life begins
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